I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.