If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.