When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.