All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.