By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.