I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.