A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.