Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.