To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.