I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.