I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.