You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.