You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I drink to make other people more interesting.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.