A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.