Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.