Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps