Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.