I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.