I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Sex is an emotion in motion.