I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.