The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.