A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.