I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.