At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.