I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.