A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments