Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.