Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.