I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.