If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.