Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.