If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.