Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.