Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I'm single because I was born that way.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?