Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!