Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?