A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.