A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.