I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.