Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.