To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.