If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.