My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.