Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.