To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?