Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.