When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.