I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.