Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Men are as faithful as their options.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
