I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.