If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.