I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.