I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.