Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.