A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I'm single because I was born that way.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.