I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.