If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.