I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps