I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.