A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.