There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.