When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.