I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.