I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.