Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.