I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.