When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.