I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.