Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.