[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Men are as faithful as their options.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.