I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Men are as faithful as their options.