Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm single because I was born that way.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.