I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Men are as faithful as their options.