Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.