We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

No good deed goes unpunished.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.