The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.