As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.