To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.