It is better to be alone than in bad company.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.