The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.