I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.