The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.