Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.