Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.