Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.