I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.