Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.