If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I'm single because I was born that way.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.