Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.