Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.