You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?