Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.