If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money