A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.