If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.