The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.