I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.