Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.