All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.