I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.