If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.