I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.