The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion