What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.