If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.