I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.