War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!