You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.