I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.