I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.