Women are made to be loved not understood.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I drink to make other people more interesting.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.