A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.