I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!