You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.