The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.