It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?