I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?