If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.