I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
No good deed goes unpunished.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.