I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?