When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.