I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.