God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.