My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.