That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.