I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.