If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.