I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

No good deed goes unpunished.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Sex is an emotion in motion.