It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.