Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.