I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.