It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

No good deed goes unpunished.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.