Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.