I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.