I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.