I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.