Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Men are as faithful as their options.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.