I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.