Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Sex is an emotion in motion.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.