The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
No good deed goes unpunished.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!