If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.