I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.