I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.