There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.