If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.