Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

No good deed goes unpunished.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.