You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.