A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I'm single because I was born that way.