Sex is an emotion in motion.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.