You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.