Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.