Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.