You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.