Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Men are as faithful as their options.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.