Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?