There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.