I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Men are as faithful as their options.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.