As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.