You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.