Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.