The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.