Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.