If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.