I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.