There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.