Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.