There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.