Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.