When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.