Sex is an emotion in motion.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?