I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.