A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.