He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.