By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.