I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.