I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.