If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.