If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.