I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.