God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'