The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.