I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.