Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

No good deed goes unpunished.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.