A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.