Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.