If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.