My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.