If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.