If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.