I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.