Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.