I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.