If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.