Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.