He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.