Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Men are as faithful as their options.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.