I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.