Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.