A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I drink to make other people more interesting.