I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.