You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.