Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.