Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.