Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion