I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.