Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.