When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.