War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.