An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.