To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.