Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'