And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!