As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

No good deed goes unpunished.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I'm single because I was born that way.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.