As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.