There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.