Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.