Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.