If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Men are as faithful as their options.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.