You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.