Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.