There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.