A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I drink to make other people more interesting.