I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.