Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.