Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.