I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.