War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I'm single because I was born that way.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.