Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!