A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.