Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Men are as faithful as their options.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.