Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.